The start of a new school year can be a big adjustment for any family. New teachers, new routines, new clubs and, sometimes, a brand-new school.
For separated parents, September can bring a few additional challenges.
Who is buying the uniform? Who gets the school emails? Where will the children be on school nights? Who attends parents’ evening? What happens when somebody forgets the PE kit?
Small practical issues can quickly become sources of disagreement. At TalkFIRST, we encourage separated parents to put one thing at the centre of those conversations: your children.
Get the routine clear
Children often benefit from knowing what is happening and when.
If they spend time in two homes, try to agree the school-week arrangements in advance. Knowing who is doing drop-off, collection and where they’re sleeping can make the return to school feel much more settled.
A shared calendar can be useful for keeping track of school events, inset days, clubs, appointments and changes to the usual routine.
The less uncertainty there is for your child, the better.
Make sure both parents have the information they need
Try not to make your child the messenger between parents.
Where appropriate, both parents should have access to important information from school rather than relying on a child to remember that Dad needs to know about swimming on Tuesday or Mum needs £3 for a school trip by Friday.
If the school can communicate directly with both parents, explore whether that can be arranged.
It can remove a surprising amount of unnecessary friction.
Talk about the practical stuff before it becomes an argument
Uniforms, school shoes, lunches, wraparound care, transport, trips and extracurricular activities all cost money and require organisation.
Where possible, discuss these things before they’re urgent.
Something as simple as agreeing who is responsible for buying what can prevent a last-minute disagreement being played out in front of your children.
Try to keep rules reasonably consistent
Two homes don’t have to operate identically.
However, broadly agreeing on things such as bedtime during the school week, homework and screen time can help children settle back into a routine.
The aim isn’t for one parent to dictate how the other parent’s home works. It’s about creating enough consistency that your child isn’t constantly having to adjust between two completely different sets of expectations.
Don’t make school events a battleground
Sports days, assemblies, performances and parents’ evenings should be about your child.
If both parents are attending, try to think about how the situation will feel from their point of view.
A child shouldn’t be worrying about whether Mum and Dad are going to argue when they should be excited about showing you their classroom or receiving a certificate.
Sometimes that means putting personal feelings to one side for an hour.
Listen to your child
Going back to school can bring plenty of emotions even without changes happening at home.
Your child might be excited, nervous, tired or overwhelmed. Give them opportunities to talk without making every conversation about the separation or asking them to choose between parents.
Simple questions such as “How are you feeling about going back?” can open the door without putting pressure on them.
When communication between parents is difficult
You don’t have to agree on everything to parent effectively after separation.
But when communication has broken down, even straightforward decisions can become difficult.
That’s where family mediation can help.
Mediation gives separated parents a neutral and confidential space to talk through practical arrangements and find a way forward.
That could include:
- Where children spend their time during the school week
- School drop-offs and collections
- Holidays and inset days
- After-school activities
- Communication between parents
- Costs and practical responsibilities
- How future decisions about education will be handled
The aim isn’t about deciding who is right or wrong.
It’s about finding arrangements that work for your family and, most importantly, keep your children’s needs at the heart of the conversation.
A fresh school year can be a fresh start
September is a natural opportunity to reset routines.
If arrangements haven’t been working, or communication has become increasingly difficult, you don’t necessarily have to carry the same problems into another school year.
At TalkFIRST, our family mediation service can help separated parents have those difficult conversations and work towards practical arrangements for their children.
Need help finding a way forward? Get in touch with TalkFIRST to find out more about family mediation.